Hygiene in a relationship - about body or mind?

We often talk in therapy about emotionality, understanding, and communication skills — and all of that is important. But there’s another aspect of married life that is often left unspoken out of shame or fear of offending a partner.

Today, let’s touch on a delicate topic: personal hygiene in relationships.

To get started, here are some interesting findings from very few international surveys over past 15 years (unfortunately, I couldn’t find any data for Ukraine) regarding hygiene habits. Some of them are quite eye-opening:

• Over three-quarters (77%) of Americans said they would reconsider moving in with a partner if their home was unclean.

• More than half (52%) of Americans find it attractive when their partner cleans the house.

• 11% of Americans ended relationships due to a partner’s poor hygiene.

• A 2024 OnePoll survey for Old Spice found that 72% of American men worry about their body odor, and 35% said their relationships had ended because of hygiene issues.

• According to global research by Essity, 29% of people believe they are more hygienic than their close ones.

• A study once published in Personality and Individual Differences found that the biggest turn-offs in potential partners were "slimy" behavior and poor hygiene.

• Hygiene in a relationship - about body or mind?

  Research in Nigeria found that personal hygiene and intimacy significantly impact marital stability.

• A 2010 study by Saxbe and Repetti showed that women who described their homes as cluttered or unfinished reported more depressed moods throughout the day compared to those who described their homes as peaceful and restorative. Those who saw their homes as cluttered also had higher cortisol (stress hormone) levels.

• Research by Homeaglow showed that over 80% of adults assess the cleanliness of a potential partner’s home during the first visits, with unpleasant odors being the top turn-off.

So, what do these scattered data points suggest? That personal hygiene has a significant impact on the stability and harmony of romantic relationships.

We’re all drawn to harmony — to cleanliness, softness, pleasant touch, fresh scents. It’s natural to want to be close to something that evokes a sense of aesthetics, comfort, and peace. So personal hygiene isn’t just about appearance or fragrance — it’s about respect for the other person. It’s about how we take up space in someone else’s environment and maintain emotional safety in the relationship. It’s a way of saying, “I care.”

Unfortunately, the media has recently distorted the idea of “accepting your body as it is.” The original purpose of this movement was to challenge rigid beauty standards and celebrate diversity. But humans tend to bend reality to reduce effort (entropy, you know). So now we often hear: “Take me as I am,” or “Why should I change for them?”, or “I’m fine the way I am.” But none of these statements show real care for the partner.

Hygiene isn’t a matter of taste. It’s a regulator of intimacy, a mechanism of respect, and a mirror of one’s willingness to be in a relationship.

When a partner takes care of themselves, it’s not necessarily about conventional beauty. It’s about not burdening the other person with one’s negligence. It’s saying, “I care about how you feel around me.” In a way, this is a form of nonverbal affection.

On the flip side, when one partner neglects basic hygiene, it can feel like a violation of the other’s boundaries — a disregard for the feelings of the person they share space with. As if the other person is expected to simply tolerate unpleasant smells, dirt, or untidiness. As if their physical reactions don’t matter. But intimacy isn’t only about shared values or good conversation. It’s also about whether your body wants to be close. OR, protests.

And when physical comfort disappears, emotional closeness often follows.

Talking about hygiene in a couple can be uncomfortable. Many avoid it to spare their loved one’s feelings. But silence doesn’t solve the issue — on the contrary, it creates distance, increases tension, and breeds irritation. In truth, this is a deeply important part of any relationship — just like trust, support, and active listening.

How can you start a conversation with your partner about personal hygiene?

It’s one of the most sensitive topics in a relationship because it can easily trigger offense, shame, or defensiveness. But if approached the right way, such a conversation can strengthen your bond instead of damaging it.

Here are some tips:

1.     Choose a calm moment when your partner is relaxed and open to connection.

2.     Focus on your desire to feel closer, not on blame.For example:“I want to feel even more connected with you… and there’s one topic that’s hard for me, but important. Can I talk to you openly?”

3.     Speak from your own experience (“I-statements”)For example:“Sometimes I find it physically hard to relax when I notice a strong odor or untidiness — my body tenses up on its own.”“There’s something small that’s been bothering me — not out of judgment, but for the sake of comfort. Can we talk about it?”

4.     Ask your partner if they have any hygiene-related wishes for you too, and show openness:“I’ve noticed I also sometimes get busy and skip small things. Maybe we could agree to be honest with each other when something makes us uncomfortable?”

This is a good place to start. Try addressing just one specific issue. Let it settle. Allow time for change. And only once one small shift has happened, bring up another. The chances that further conversations will go smoothly increase once change is already underway.

You have the right to talk — openly, honestly, and respectfully — about your needs, bodily reactions, and preferences.And so does your partner.